Marvelous Little Instrument
A woman on a plane arriving from Switzerland found that she had bought too much, and would have troubles getting it all through customs on arrival. Finding herself seated next to a priest, she asked:
“Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?”
“Of course, my child. What can I do for you?”
“Here is my problem. I bought myself a new, sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”
“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie.”
“You have such an honest face, Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions”.
And she gave him the gadget. When the aircraft arrived at its destination and the priest presented himself to customs, he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”
The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used.”
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Good one, Father. Next!”
Heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”
Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Abstinence?
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook
a venison steak. But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic.. And since it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious
aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the
Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came
to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and
raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’ Bubba’s neighbors were
greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of
grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately
by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary
and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: ‘You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you a catfish.!
